An Open Letter Teaching Liberal Democrats How to be Thankful (even in a world with Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, and Dick Cheney still living in it)
Dear Madame Speaker Pelosi and Senator Reid,
First of all, let me say right off the bat that I am a huge fan of you both. For the sake of full disclosure though I must admit that last year at this time, I was dismayed and disheartened at the prospects of your Party having further solidified its control of my Congress. While I should have known better than to worry about your capabilities (or lack thereof), it has been a not-so-pleasant “surprise” to watch each of you run your respective houses of government into the proverbial ground.
Therefore, I wanted to begin this potentially friendly letter by thanking you both for exhibiting the lack-of-courageous-leadership required to land your approval ratings in the “teens” (the lowest ever recorded and almost exactly half of what President Bush’s were when he left office). Both you Mrs. Pelosi in the House, and you Mr. Reid in the Senate, are that rare blend of political leader who can combine support for wildly unpopular pieces of legislation with an utter indifference to corruption, and still shows up to any and every press conference ready to deflect all pertinent questions with an other-worldly, Botox-induced “smile.”
As I reflected today on the fact that Thanksgiving is upon us already this Fall, it occurred to me that neither of you, due to your insatiable desire to find (or cause) the cloud in every silver lining, will have anything to say when your families go around the table to recite what each person is thankful for this year. That simply will not do, so take a load off for the next few minutes and let this clever conservative give you a few GTP’s (Gratitude Talking Points).
Thanksgiving Day Talking Point #1- I am so grateful for the fact that there are young men and women who are proudly willing to put their lives on the line to procure my freedom. Even if engaged in wars I don’t fully agree with (or understand), I can never thank the thousands of soldiers since 2001 who have paid the ultimate price for liberty enough. It is by their blood, sweat, and tears that 50 million humans have been freed in Iraq and Afghanistan, areas of the world where any semblance of human rights and dignity were previously as foreign to the soil as the sight of American G.I.’s upon it.
Now this first GTP will likely be hard for you to pull off convincingly, and may even take some practice in front of the mirror to re-teach your face how to smile. As it turns out, the “surge” in Iraq that you both vehemently opposed and swore would never work did end up working better than even the most neo of the neo-Con’s ever predicted.
When the topic of the war comes up as you pass your cage-free, farm-fresh green beans (to the left, of course), remind your guests that it isn’t just right-wingers who have pointed out that an adapted “surge” in Afghanistan could very likely work, but a decision on troop levels, after 10 months in office, still won’t be coming down from the Commander-in-Chief until President Obama has finished his the last piece of pumpkin pie this weekend.
Thanksgiving Day Talking Point #2- A “Family” is the most precious social institution a society can participate in. It is the bedrock of our civilization and I thank God for my parents (each who was of a different sex), my children, my relatives, and the special friends and neighbors in my life that have become like family to me. Life is precious, and I know this to be true if for no other reason than the incredibly profound bonds that exist between my loved ones and me.
This second idea is more for you, Speaker Pelosi, because you remind us so often that you are a proud Italian Catholic grandmother, and that the reason you seem to do almost anything (and I mean anything), according to you, is “for the kids.” Madame Speaker, you’ll have to try and forget the fact that you have publicly supported lowering the age of sexual consent to 12, are in favor of complete federal funding of the anti-fetus practice known as murd…abortion, and have approved of the jihad against such provocative groups as the Boys and Girls Scouts of America simply because they don’t want homosexual “den” leaders and mention “God” in their charter.
Thanksgiving Day Talking Point #3- I’ve been blessed with family, friends, power, prestige, and wealth above and beyond what any 10 men (or women) could hope for in a lifetime, and I realize my good fortune is temporal above all else. I appreciate the things I have, the platform I’ve been given, but know that power for the sake of power, and money for the sake of money, ultimately end in a selfish and lonely existence. I do not envy my neighbor, nor will I encourage anyone else to envy their own.
Wait! Please don’t stop reading this open letter just yet, Madame Speaker and Senator Reid. I know those last few sentences go against the core of your progressive being, but hear me out. A Congressional leader with higher approval ratings might have tossed my heartfelt sentiments in the trash at least three paragraphs ago, but you know you can use a “surge” of your own when it comes to popularity points with, if no one else, your family.
Something we much-maligned conservatives believe in is the idea that Americans should embrace personal responsibility in conjunction with civic duty. This means that we are to hold ourselves (and each other) accountable for the decisions we make in our local spheres of influence.
Senator Reid and Speaker Pelosi, you are both strong advocates of policies that can only be described as “socialist”, but have both benefited immensely from the free market system you besmirch. Your family (especially your pro-capitalist-even-if-they-don’t-know-it kids) will already be aware of your anti-growth stances as well, but are deep down grateful themselves that supply-side economics has consistently triumphed in America.
Thanksgiving Day Talking Point #4 (last one)- I am so appreciative for Founding Fathers who intuitively recognized that it was our Creator, not any one man (or groups of men), who was the grantor of equality and freedom. Our Judeo-Christian heritage is a blessing that, for better or worse (but mostly ‘better’), has shaped the social, political, and cultural landscape of this greatest nation on God’s green earth for some 230 years. All peoples and faiths are welcome, even those with no faith at all, but not all faiths played such an undeniably integral role in our formation, growth, and undeserving prosperity. God Bless America!
I could hear your gasps just now all the way from my heavily fortified bunker. Obviously as products of a self-obsessed, anti-establishment, anti-religious generation (the Boomers), you will have to deny every instinct in your liberally-indoctrinated bodies to get this last talking point out (especially in front of other people), but give it a go. Forget your financiers from Moveon.org and the ACLU for a brief moment, embrace the foreign concept of “intellectual honesty” for a while, and let your loved ones know that it is indeed okay to proudly boast we are “One nation, under God.”
So that’s my list. I hope it helps. I also would really suggest rehearsing before the big day because your family (kids especially) can smell phony a mile away. Nothing could be more embarrassing than getting called out by your 10 year-old nephew for disingenuously pretending you care about the troops because you had to peek at the crib-notes on your palm to remember all the GTP’s I’ve just given you. I personally don’t know what that would feel like from experience, but then again, I can’t imagine being a liberal either.
One last request before I go: if you could please promise to maintain the status quo of spending our nation into economic oblivion, I promise to keep dutifully sending my hard-earned tax money to you in D.C.
Good day to you both, and have a wonderful Thanksgiving.
Robert J. Moeller (and Rudy the Dog)