A Voice in the Wilderness In Defense of "Mere Conservatism"

Self-esteem, The Hard Way

Self-esteem is a grossly misunderstood term and concept.  Feeling good about oneself is important, but too many people (mostly well-intentioned parents) have confused "showering my kids with unconditional love" with "praising them for accomplishments that they did not accomplish."

We hear the pleas from politicians and political pundits to "Remember the children!" when almost any social, cultural, or economic issue is publicly discussed, but might it be that we're focused on the wrong things when it comes to really helping the kids?  Could it be that what children need more than Participation Award trophies, free government handouts, and Nancy Pelosi stumping for them is a good night's sleep, healthy competition in and out of school, and parents who teach them that it isn't the hand you're dealt, but the way you play the hand?

George Will thinks so, and in his nationally syndicated column today he uses the backdrop of a newly-released book, "NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children" by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman, to discuss just that. Will cites the activities of a grade school in Massachusetts that has their students jump rope with no jump-rope:

Those Massachusetts children are jumping rope without ropes because of a self-esteem obsession. The assumption is that thinking highly of oneself is a prerequisite for high achievement. That is why some children's soccer teams stopped counting goals (think of the damaged psyches of children who rarely scored) and shower trophies on everyone. No child at that Massachusetts school suffers damaged self-esteem by tripping on the jump rope.

He continues:

But the theory that praise, self-esteem and accomplishment increase in tandem is false. Children incessantly praised for their intelligence (often by parents who are really praising themselves) often underrate the importance of effort. Children who open their lunchboxes and find mothers' handwritten notes telling them how amazingly bright they are tend to falter when they encounter academic difficulties. Also, Bronson and Merryman say that overpraised children are prone to cheating because they have not developed strategies for coping with failure.

It's been said many times, in many ways, but there really is no such thing as a "free lunch."  You can love your kids (or nephews, granddaughters, etc.) without propping them up for a life of failure and moral confusion.  Life is tough, and what a child wants to hear from the adults in their life isn't "You did good for being average", but "Your mother and I love you, and will always be here for you...even if and when you fail."

Will also highlights from the Bronson-Merryman book something that hits close to home for me: the need for rest (and adequate levels of it).

Only 5 percent of high school seniors get eight hours of sleep a night. Children get a hour less than they did 30 years ago, which subtracts IQ points and adds body weight. Until age 21, the circuitry of a child's brain is being completed. Bronson and Merryman report research on grade schoolers showing that "the performance gap caused by an hour's difference in sleep was bigger than the gap between a normal fourth-grader and a normal sixth-grader."

In high school there is a steep decline in sleep hours, and a striking correlation of sleep and grades. Tired children have trouble retaining learning "because neurons lose their plasticity, becoming incapable of forming the new synaptic connections necessary to encode a memory. ... The more you learned during the day, the more you need to sleep that night."

Your body is more than just the physical, but it isn't only the emotional either.  Sleep, a healthy diet (see: not my diet), and regular exercise can be the things that turn a kid's mental and emotional well-being around.

So will raising them to believe, as our Declaration of Independence proclaims, that they are uniquely-formed, Creator-endowed human beings with inherent value and worth.  Between that and your offer to always love and be there for them, your kids will absolutely have the best chance of achieving something more important than grades, sports, or getting into the "right" college: They'll become good people.